I’ve been turning down a lot of commitments lately. I have no doubt that this upsets some people, but there are only so many options one has when reducing external commitments. The way I see it, it’s simply a matter of emptying my commitment “bucket” and there are two ways to do this. You either have to:
- Reduce or remove a current commitment from the bucket (moderately difficult) or
- Decline new commitments as they come in, or come up for renewal (easier).
Unfortunately, because this approach is logic driven and does not consider the other person’s (the “declinee”) emotions I am sure this can lead to hard feelings. For that reason, I have devised a mechanism for saying “No” without (hopefully!) souring a relationship: The Empathy Sandwich.
Where I Got The Idea
It occurred to me there had to be a better way than bluntly saying no to people. I was turning it over in my head when I remembered a strategy I used for delivering criticism: the criticism sandwich. I didn’t come up with it, I’m sure it’s in one of the personal development books I’ve read.
The basic premise of a criticism sandwich is that to make criticism easier to swallow, you “sandwich” it between two pieces of praise.
Contrived Sample: “Sid, you did a fantastic job on [first task]. Your work was commendable. However, in [second task] you [made this mistake, and here is how you should correct it]. Thanks again for your great work on [the first task].
I figured if it’s good enough for criticism, maybe it’s good enough for turning down things I don’t want to do as well!
Sid’s Secret Sauce: My Formula for the Empathy Sandwich
The empathy sandwich formula is simple enough:
Empathy Sandwich = Empathy Blurb + No I Can’t + Empathy Blurb
The Empathy Sandwich In Action
Them: ”Sid I’m swamped this weekend, do you think you can handle [task that they want Sid to do] for me?”
Sid: ”
Empathy Blurb 1: Man, I feel your pain. I can totally relate. It’s so hard to make time isn’t it? I remember you telling me last week how you’ve been working long nights at work and have been stretched thin.
No I Can’t: I’m sorry, but I can’t handle [that task] for you.
Empathy Blurb 2: I sure hope the pressure eases up on you soon, I know how hard you have been working these past few weeks and it seems like you always work harder than anyone else at your office. “
This example may be a big exaggerated, but you get the idea.
Note: I do not use this at work with coworkers, since that tends to be very fact and schedule driven.
The Empathy Sandwich Formula Expanded
This format works especially well for emails. With email, since it is an asynchronous communication medium, I can take my time to craft an appropriate response rather than trying to create verbal empathy on the fly.
I have taken it a step further, and now have a canned response template, which I fill in like a form. Feel free to use it in your email communications, it’s not polished because these are the rough notes I used to tell myself what to fill in.
Legend: [ Brackets ] denote optional items, while the starred* items are required.
Hi _____,
Just took a quick read over your email about ______. * (restate the exact issue for clarity)
[Honored] Really honored that you would consider me to help you with ___….
Empathy Blurb 1* – I hear where you are coming from/have been there myself
[Reminder] – Reminder that I have helped in the past, I do care
No I Can’t* – I’m sorry, but I can’t commit to ____. (state exact issue)
[Offer Others to Help] – Have you tried asking ___? Do you mind if I put you in contact with ___ who has more expertise?
Empathy Blurb 2* – I still totally understand where you are coming from
[Can Help In Future] – I can’t help this time, but perhaps I’ll be able to be of assistance in the future.
[Inquire About Other Projects] – Ask about other projects in the person’s life, is another way I can assist.
[Friendship Appreciation] – Remind them how much I appreciate their friendship, professional contact, etc.Thanks,
Sid Savara
Items That Do Not Appear To Decrease Irritation at Being Told No
As I was working on my formula for the empathy sandwich, I considered what kinds of items I should mention verbally or in email. Here are a few that I used to mention, but no longer bring up because they do not appear to affect the the person’s mood and ultimately, that is the whole point of empathy. It’s not about me, it’s about making sure the other person feels l have heard them and can relate to their situation/cause.
- How Busy I Am – As a general rule, nobody cares how busy I am. They still need help, and knowing that I am busy does not get them any closer to their goals. So, when using the empathy sandwich don’t talk about your work, or family, or whatever – the purpose here is to empathize, keep the focus on them.
- Whether I Would Actually Like To Help – Perhaps it’s because of who I am, people assume that I generally want to be helpful. And it’s true: I do want to help people. However, I don’t always want to fix someone’s computer, or take hours out of my day to do something they could easily hire someone to do. Being told that I actually am not interested in helping doesn’t seem to do anyone any good, so I don’t bring it up.
Items That DO Appear To Decrease Irritation at Being Told No
- Reminder That I Have Helped In The Past. There’s a fine line here, and it really depends on who I am dealing with. Some people try to guilt me into helping them, and I in turn respond by showing how much I have helped already. I never rub their face in it – the spirit of telling them this is not to show off how amazing you are at helping; the spirit of this is to show empathy and remind them that I care.
- Inquiring About Other Projects. Sometimes people work on projects/jobs that are pretty thankless, and may not even really need any help – they are just reaching out to see if anybody notices. In this case, inquiring about how the project or other projects are going may be all that is necessary – they are just looking for a little attention.
- Appreciating People’s Friendship. Similar to the previous item, sometimes people feel that their friendship is being taken for granted and that nobody appreciates the amount of work they put into things such as planning events. In this case I need to remember that while I appreciate people’s friendship, I don’t always verbalize it – and some people need to hear from me how much I appreciate their friendship more than others.
- Prompt Response. I try to be as up front as I can, and when I need to cancel a commitment, and I can only assume that providing a faster response rather than later can help with planning. One thing I do (as I discuss in my article on overcoming email overload) is even if I know right away I am going to decline something, I may still let it sit in my drafts folder for a couple hours or a day. Sometimes I change my mind – other times, at least it doesn’t look like I read the email and replied 2 minutes later with a “no” (which I don’t think any amount of empathy would help with!).
Final Thoughts On The Empathy Sandwich
In this case I’m specifically talking about turning down commitments, but I’ve been trying to add empathy into more of my discussions with people since so much of it occurs online (and especially through email). With a medium that is so cold and emotionless, injecting a little of my personality can completely change the tone of the message – and let people understand that I’m there for them, regardless of the situation.
Finally, if you do use the empathy sandwich, make sure you mean it. I try and put myself in their shoes and consider that even though I (Sid) may have plenty of my own things going on, the person who is asking me for help too has a lot going on, and if I do empathize then I should verbalize that. Sure, I have a canned template to help me organize my thoughts, but there is no hypocrisy in it: they’re still my sincere thoughts, and it’s just a more efficient mechanism to help me get the email written faster.
What do you think? Anything you’d like to add, or let me know if I’m wrong?
Enjoy this article? You should Tweet This and share it with your friends, or feel free to share it however you like using this shortened link: http://tr.im/howtosayno
Further resources:
- How To Actively Take Control of Your Time and Your Life
- Strategies for Nurturing Your Professional Network and Professional Relationships
- Speaking in Public: A Step-By-Step Guide to Overcome Public Speaking Anxiety
- The Best Personal Development Books Reading List
- Sid Cancels Commitment, World Does Not End. Sometimes, You Need To Just Let it Go
Other articles I’ve enjoyed this week:
- How To Maintain Your Enthusiasm over at Advanced Life Skills
- Learning To Say No In Business over at My Wife Quit Her Job
- 7 Ways To Say No by my friend Dragos Roua
- Empathy by Seth Godin
I’m also excited to have a guest post up at Problogger this week:
And don’t forget – I share many other articles like these via Twitter and StumbleUpon – I only share a portion here, since I come across so many interesting things every week. You should definitely follow me on Twitter if you want more.
Get On The List and Get Your Free Course and Ebook!
 |
Enter Your Email Address Now: |
I’ve been turning down a lot of commitments lately. I have no doubt that this upsets some people, but there are only so many options one has when reducing external commitments. The way I see it, it’s simply a matter of emptying my commitment “bucket” and there are two ways to do this. You either have to:
- Reduce or remove a current commitment from the bucket (moderately difficult) or
- Decline new commitments as they come in, or come up for renewal (easier).
Unfortunately, because this approach is logic driven and does not consider the other person’s (the “declinee”) emotions I am sure this can lead to hard feelings. For that reason, I have devised a mechanism for saying “No” without (hopefully!) souring a relationship: The Empathy Sandwich.
Where I Got The Idea
It occurred to me there had to be a better way than bluntly saying no to people. I was turning it over in my head when I remembered a strategy I used for delivering criticism: the criticism sandwich. I didn’t come up with it, I’m sure it’s in one of the personal development books I’ve read.
The basic premise of a criticism sandwich is that to make criticism easier to swallow, you “sandwich” it between two pieces of praise.
Contrived Sample: “Sid, you did a fantastic job on [first task]. Your work was commendable. However, in [second task] you [made this mistake, and here is how you should correct it]. Thanks again for your great work on [the first task].
I figured if it’s good enough for criticism, maybe it’s good enough for turning down things I don’t want to do as well!
Sid’s Secret Sauce: My Formula for the Empathy Sandwich
The empathy sandwich formula is simple enough:
Empathy Sandwich = Empathy Blurb + No I Can’t + Empathy Blurb
The Empathy Sandwich In Action
Them: ”Sid I’m swamped this weekend, do you think you can handle [task that they want Sid to do] for me?”
Sid: ”
Empathy Blurb 1: Man, I feel your pain. I can totally relate. It’s so hard to make time isn’t it? I remember you telling me last week how you’ve been working long nights at work and have been stretched thin.
No I Can’t: I’m sorry, but I can’t handle [that task] for you.
Empathy Blurb 2: I sure hope the pressure eases up on you soon, I know how hard you have been working these past few weeks and it seems like you always work harder than anyone else at your office. “
This example may be a big exaggerated, but you get the idea.
Note: I do not use this at work with coworkers, since that tends to be very fact and schedule driven.
The Empathy Sandwich Formula Expanded
This format works especially well for emails. With email, since it is an asynchronous communication medium, I can take my time to craft an appropriate response rather than trying to create verbal empathy on the fly.
I have taken it a step further, and now have a canned response template, which I fill in like a form. Feel free to use it in your email communications, it’s not polished because these are the rough notes I used to tell myself what to fill in.
Legend: [ Brackets ] denote optional items, while the starred* items are required.
Hi _____,
Just took a quick read over your email about ______. * (restate the exact issue for clarity)
[Honored] Really honored that you would consider me to help you with ___….
Empathy Blurb 1* – I hear where you are coming from/have been there myself
[Reminder] – Reminder that I have helped in the past, I do care
No I Can’t* – I’m sorry, but I can’t commit to ____. (state exact issue)
[Offer Others to Help] – Have you tried asking ___? Do you mind if I put you in contact with ___ who has more expertise?
Empathy Blurb 2* – I still totally understand where you are coming from
[Can Help In Future] – I can’t help this time, but perhaps I’ll be able to be of assistance in the future.
[Inquire About Other Projects] – Ask about other projects in the person’s life, is another way I can assist.
[Friendship Appreciation] – Remind them how much I appreciate their friendship, professional contact, etc.Thanks,
Sid Savara
Items That Do Not Appear To Decrease Irritation at Being Told No
As I was working on my formula for the empathy sandwich, I considered what kinds of items I should mention verbally or in email. Here are a few that I used to mention, but no longer bring up because they do not appear to affect the the person’s mood and ultimately, that is the whole point of empathy. It’s not about me, it’s about making sure the other person feels l have heard them and can relate to their situation/cause.
- How Busy I Am – As a general rule, nobody cares how busy I am. They still need help, and knowing that I am busy does not get them any closer to their goals. So, when using the empathy sandwich don’t talk about your work, or family, or whatever – the purpose here is to empathize, keep the focus on them.
- Whether I Would Actually Like To Help – Perhaps it’s because of who I am, people assume that I generally want to be helpful. And it’s true: I do want to help people. However, I don’t always want to fix someone’s computer, or take hours out of my day to do something they could easily hire someone to do. Being told that I actually am not interested in helping doesn’t seem to do anyone any good, so I don’t bring it up.
Items That DO Appear To Decrease Irritation at Being Told No
- Reminder That I Have Helped In The Past. There’s a fine line here, and it really depends on who I am dealing with. Some people try to guilt me into helping them, and I in turn respond by showing how much I have helped already. I never rub their face in it – the spirit of telling them this is not to show off how amazing you are at helping; the spirit of this is to show empathy and remind them that I care.
- Inquiring About Other Projects. Sometimes people work on projects/jobs that are pretty thankless, and may not even really need any help – they are just reaching out to see if anybody notices. In this case, inquiring about how the project or other projects are going may be all that is necessary – they are just looking for a little attention.
- Appreciating People’s Friendship. Similar to the previous item, sometimes people feel that their friendship is being taken for granted and that nobody appreciates the amount of work they put into things such as planning events. In this case I need to remember that while I appreciate people’s friendship, I don’t always verbalize it – and some people need to hear from me how much I appreciate their friendship more than others.
- Prompt Response. I try to be as up front as I can, and when I need to cancel a commitment, and I can only assume that providing a faster response rather than later can help with planning. One thing I do (as I discuss in my article on overcoming email overload) is even if I know right away I am going to decline something, I may still let it sit in my drafts folder for a couple hours or a day. Sometimes I change my mind – other times, at least it doesn’t look like I read the email and replied 2 minutes later with a “no” (which I don’t think any amount of empathy would help with!).
Final Thoughts On The Empathy Sandwich
In this case I’m specifically talking about turning down commitments, but I’ve been trying to add empathy into more of my discussions with people since so much of it occurs online (and especially through email). With a medium that is so cold and emotionless, injecting a little of my personality can completely change the tone of the message – and let people understand that I’m there for them, regardless of the situation.
Finally, if you do use the empathy sandwich, make sure you mean it. I try and put myself in their shoes and consider that even though I (Sid) may have plenty of my own things going on, the person who is asking me for help too has a lot going on, and if I do empathize then I should verbalize that. Sure, I have a canned template to help me organize my thoughts, but there is no hypocrisy in it: they’re still my sincere thoughts, and it’s just a more efficient mechanism to help me get the email written faster.
What do you think? Anything you’d like to add, or let me know if I’m wrong?
Enjoy this article? You should Tweet This and share it with your friends, or feel free to share it however you like using this shortened link: http://tr.im/howtosayno
Further resources:
- How To Actively Take Control of Your Time and Your Life
- Strategies for Nurturing Your Professional Network and Professional Relationships
- Speaking in Public: A Step-By-Step Guide to Overcome Public Speaking Anxiety
- The Best Personal Development Books Reading List
- Sid Cancels Commitment, World Does Not End. Sometimes, You Need To Just Let it Go
Other articles I’ve enjoyed this week:
- How To Maintain Your Enthusiasm over at Advanced Life Skills
- Learning To Say No In Business over at My Wife Quit Her Job
- 7 Ways To Say No by my friend Dragos Roua
- Empathy by Seth Godin
I’m also excited to have a guest post up at Problogger this week:
And don’t forget – I share many other articles like these via Twitter and StumbleUpon – I only share a portion here, since I come across so many interesting things every week. You should definitely follow me on Twitter if you want more.
Get On The List and Get Your Free Course and Ebook!
|
Enter Your Email Address Now: |
