Thanks! Don't worry about hurting my feelings though. You can feel free to
continue to be blunt to me and come off as a jerk =P

You know I was thinking, I wonder if it's good to do this in group settings
- because who knows, maybe the person I say no to doesn't take offense, but
people watching DO see me as coming across as very blunt

Do research, report back!

I think you're right on, and there is certainly a place for a more
authoritative “no.” I think that too often I simply say no without
explanation, and this advice is directed at me as much as anyone else =)

Great stuff!

Cath

Thanks for your comment! You know, I'm not sure whether it works with
putting a “yes” between two “nos” as you put it – I wonder whether anything
positive that is said then comes across as insincere.

I think having two positive things (empathy) and one negative (decline) can
also come across as insincere though, if the empathy isn't real. In this
case, I'm not suggesting anyone make things up – I'm just suggesting a way
to get empathy across, while still maintaining that no, I can't be of
service =)

Thanks for your comment! I'd love to hear how it goes and works out for you
next time you discuss it with the charity =)

Fair points both and both I think you're absolutely on point.

I think you are right on about not forcing other people into a position of
wanting to turn down the commitment. The intention would never be to “pass
the buck” – more to put the onus on the person asking, if there is someone
more appropriate. As an example, people often ask me to fix their
computers, and I refer them to a friend who does that as a service. This is
a win-win, since their prices are reasonable, their service is good, and the
requester's problem can be resolved. It also (bonus) reinforces to them
that my time is not free.

I also agree, you shouldn't ever say “maybe” if the answer is really “no.”
In all communications like this I think sincerity is important – the
empathy sandwich is not a formula for making things up, it's a formula to
fill in when I'm saying no – and know the words I want to say, and now have
a way to fill them in =)

Thanks for the great discussion Stephen, I really appreciate your thoughts,
and your support =)

First off, I think part of the purpose of minimalist emails is to get
straight to the point. That is what I used to do, but found people read it
as being very cold. Adding empathy to my emails takes me quite a bit of
words, but I'm sure that a better writer than me could come up with a
shorter way of doing it =)

Second, I also have very little to measure by except by people's responses
to my email – and in general, I've found longer, more specific empathy is
better. While I am not sure, I worry that having an email that is too short
would come across as insincere, even if it actually *is* sincere.

Thanks though for a great question and giving me something to think about =)

You can slather them with ketchup AND mustard if it makes you happy ;)

I don't think the empathy sandwich works too well on the boss – either at
work, or at home

;)

Anyways, I put the ball in their court regarding some grant applications and offered to do the final read over once they had done their bit, and walked the rep through how to do their bit.

Did rely on the “I'm too busy” for some other stuff they were asking help with, so am printing your post for praxis on focusing on them.

Fair points both and both I think you're absolutely on point.

I think you are right on about not forcing other people into a position of
wanting to turn down the commitment. The intention would never be to “pass
the buck” – more to put the onus on the person asking, if there is someone
more appropriate. As an example, people often ask me to fix their
computers, and I refer them to a friend who does that as a service. This is
a win-win, since their prices are reasonable, their service is good, and the
requester's problem can be resolved. It also (bonus) reinforces to them
that my time is not free.

I also agree, you shouldn't ever say “maybe” if the answer is really “no.”
In all communications like this I think sincerity is important – the
empathy sandwich is not a formula for making things up, it's a formula to
fill in when I'm saying no – and know the words I want to say, and now have
a way to fill them in =)

Thanks for the great discussion Stephen, I really appreciate your thoughts,
and your support =)