My Secret For Personal Growth and Change: How To Change Yourself

Key Change Secret Lock Unlock

We know that throughout our lives we will come across opportunities disguised as challenges, and often these are opportunities to change ourselves.  I’ve previously discussed how to get motivated and how to deal with motivation fading.  What I haven’t discussed is how to choose which changes to make.

My interests change rapidly – something that I may find inspiring one week bores me the next, while others things that I just try for the hell of it become huge parts of my life.  Because of this, I try to weigh major life changes before I make them – and though I do not always make the correct decision, I feel that this process of introspection helps me make better decisions.

These four questions have profoundly impacted my life when I am faced with a difficult challenge or tasks.  I hope they will provide as much guidance for you as they have for me.  I may have read them before in a personal development book, but I cannot recall where, and could not find it via searching online.

The First Question: Do I Want To?

More important than anything else is considering what my goals are, and the expected end result of a particular project is.  If this is not something I desire, then why am I doing it?  For this reason, before I spend my time on anything, I ask myself:

“Do I want to make this change?”

Some of the things to consider when I am asking myself this question are:

  • Is this the direction I want my life to go?
  • Are the activities involved the way I want to spend my time?
  • Are the end results consequences I desire?

The Second Question:  Can I?

Regardless of whether other people think I can accomplish something or not, it’s important for me to believe I can.

Before embarking on a serious life change, it has to be something I truly believe I can do – or I’m already set up for failure.  So once I’ve decided I want something, the next question to myself is always:

“Can I make this change?”

Here I am asking myself:

  • Do I have the ability to make this change?
  • Do I have the necessary tools to make this change?
  • Do I have the time available to make this change?
  • Do I have the support I need to make this change?

I must be able to completely, unconditionally answer this question with a “Yes.” If I say “no”, then I dig deeper:

  • Why don’t I believe I can do this?
  • Is there something about the situation I can change so I can accomplish this?
  • Who can help me?
  • What sacrifices can I make, and what commitments can I break to make this goal feasible?

Regardless of whether other people think I can accomplish something or not, it’s important for me to believe I can.  If the answer to this question (”Can I?”) is yes, I then need to consider:

The Third Question:  Will I?

“Will I make this change?”

This question sounds similar to the first, but it’s more a question of personal determination:

  • Am I willing to make the sacrifices needed to make this change?
  • Am I willing to work without encouragement or glory to make this change?
  • Am I willing to endure long enough to see results from this change?

If I have the personal determination to accomplish my goal and make the change, then there is only one thing left for me to consider:

The Fourth, and Final, Question: When?

The final question is:

“When will I make this change?

If I can answer the first three questions truthfully with a resounding yes, then there is only one logical answer to this final quesiton:

RIGHT NOW

If this change is something I want, something I can do, and something I will do – then there is no point in delaying it.  There is no point in putting it off until tomorrow – I must take steps today towards it.  Other people may disagree (and if you do, please share in the comments) – however my personal view is if I am truly willing to make the commitment and sacrifices needed, and my desire is strong enough – then there is no excuse for procrastinating another moment.

Printable Decision Tree (Flowchart) For Personal Change

Personal_Change_FlowchartOnce you’ve read this article, you may want to apply this to your own life.  Here’s a printable personal change flowchart you can use. Consider the answer to each question before you make a major personal change – and keep it somewhere you can see it, a daily reminder for yourself.

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Please review the Comment Policy.
  • You pose some great questions, Sid. The one that really stuck out to me was "am I willing to work without encouragement or glory to make this change?" That's a harsh one but so often it is what it takes. I worry sometimes about kids these days who are being raised in an environment where they get cheered for almost anything. Will they grow up with the backbone needed to make changes without encouragement or glory?
  • Hey NuNomad,

    LOL. I love the wording of "kids these days" but you're right - being
    raised in a way that celebrates everything and downplays any chance of
    failure *is* a big problem. Facing failure, defeat, losing and straining
    against obstacles when you are young prepares you for the "bigger" obstacles
    as an adult - where the world isn't easy, and you will have to spend time
    chasing things without any encouragement or glory.
  • Hi Sid.

    Do I want to change X? That is a good question that you bring up here. If we want to have something changed, but don't want to go through the process of changing it, that doesn't make sense. I think many of us want to have X in our life be Y, but don't want to convert X to Y through our effort.

    Some would say those questions you ask there are limiting, but they are not, as asking yourself about if you can handle the various parts of making a change keeps you from starting to make changes you won't be able to keep up with. It isn't worth trying to quit smoking if you see that you don't have plans set up to not return to the habit.

    Wonderful flowchart there~
  • Hey Armen,

    Thanks for your comment!

    You know, you're right - I never looked at it from the perspective of being
    limiting, but as you mentioned some people may see it that way. I see it as
    ensuring I am able and committed - and if I'm not, then getting myself into
    the right mindset before I take something on half heartedly.

    Thanks for being a regular reader and commenting, I really appreciate you
    sharing your thoughts and constructive discussion - it's makes the articles
    better having readers like you.
  • Amy
    Great post, Sid! I'd like to recommend a book I just read about change called Change or Die by Alan Deutschman. It talks about variety of people, one being a group of patients with severe heart disease. The doctors tell them they have to change their lifestyle, yet for whatever reason, they can't. This book explores that reason why people just can't take action.
    I was led to your site from Zen Habits and am enjoying your articles :)
  • Hey Amy,

    Thanks a lot for the book recommendation!

    You know, I haven't heard about that particular issue, but I do know of a
    similar phenomenon then you may be interested in. In my article about
    psychology tests, I have a video where Dr. Philip Zimbardo brings up a
    similar issue in his talk about time orientation. One thing he mentions is
    that the drop out rate for physical therapy is something like 50% (I may be
    wrong here, but it is a high number). The point he makes is he is very
    "future oriented" - so when he hurt his shoulder, he went to physical
    therapy, struggled and suffered in pain for a small period of time because
    he could picture a future when he would have full use of his shoulder again.
    He hypothesizes that "present oriented" people, whose decisions factor the
    present in more than the future, are more likely to drop out of physical
    therapy because they don't project themselves into the future - and instead
    make the decision based on the pain and discomfort of physical therapy.

    I'll add Change or Die to my Amazon wishlist, though to be honest I
    constantly struggle to get through all the books on it =). Every few months
    I'll skim it, pick out a few books that catch my interest and order them -
    and this one sounds really intriguing! I think that Change Or Die is a book
    I would really enjoy, and learn a lot from.

    I had a blast writing on Zen Habits, definitely a highlight for me - thank
    you so much for your comment, and I'm glad you're enjoying the articles here
    too =)
  • Amy
    Sid, that is amazing. And here all these self help gurus tell you to only live for right now :) I wonder how large some of their credit card bills are ;) It definitely gives me something to think about! Hopefully I can make steps to move out of the past and into the future!

    Completely understand the Amazon list! My book lists keep adding up. I am not to be trusted with a credit card at Barnes & Noble :)
  • Hey Amy!

    My weakness at B&N is the bargain books. Gets me every time. The book only
    costs a few bucks, how could I go wrong?

    And then it sits on my shelf, mocking me.
  • Amy
    Yes, and of course if they are only a few bucks, you should probably buy this one too. And this one isn't expensive. Then you're checking out wondering how you spent $50 :)